It's just like climbing up the hill.

I was on top of it when it all started. You held me in your arms and we enjoyed the breeze. However, the next minute I found myself slipping off. I reached for your hand and you tried your best to pull me back up. But in the end, we let it slip. Just as I was expecting a hard, painful fall, you handed me the rope and pulled me back on top again.

The cycle keeps repeating itself for the past 22 months, like a train heading to a non-existant destination.

For the last couple of days, I was standing tall on the top, feeling so loved and cared for. But tonight, I am falling off, again. I know the rope is coming, but this time round, the question is should I take it, or leave it. It is going to be a hard fall. I would be all broken. But time will heal.

Jinhui: When I looked at my friends' girlfriends, I thought to myself 'probably this/that girl is more suitable for me than Kaigai', but when I see you, I just know that it's gotta be you. You are just who you are, and I just love you.

You made me a happiest girl on earth. Thank you baby.

I feel like shit.

Firstly, I have no direction in life, or whatsoever. Many might argue; 'but you are going to live a beautiful life in the UK starting from July'. But the thing is, I don't even know where I am going to stay, and how much money I want to bring, and how I am going to make new friends from the scratch. I am beginning a new life from nothing. I will be the one dictating it, deciding which direction, which way I want it to be. But right now, I have no idea. People call up korpor (my scholarship board) to ask about the host family and school and other stuffs. I don't. In fact, I don't even feel a need to do so. I am thrilled to go there, but I finally realised that all I am looking forward to is to be away from home again in a totally alient land, as I am getting so bored here. How shallow is that?

Secondly, I am not living the life I want to live, which is the fulfilling the holiday life. Despite all the outings with friends and whoever, I feel completely useless. I have done nothing since last December. I planned to take some courses; cooking, driving, gardening, and so far I have yet started on any of them. By now I should be able to drive, cook well, and probably plant some plants, but all I have learnt is speed-typing through MSN, and the stalking skills(if you know what I am talking about) from facebook. I am utterly useless.

Thirdly, I have no money to spend on anything at all. I am not working and to tell you the truth, I have no saving accounts in Thailand. Not at all. To put it more straight forward, I have no money at all, and I can't buy whatever I want to. Today, I went out and saw the must-have shoes, dresses, tops, and bags and I could not have them simply because it would be my mum's money that's spent on those. All the money I have comes mainly from my mum's saving and I can't bear to use them on my extravagent stuffs, and that makes me so sick. I need my own money to spend on these things. NOW.

Next, I am living at my aunty's house and I have proven to be nothing other than a liable. Her family has enough issues and instead of helping, I add more. My aunt needs to give me a ride whenever I want to go to town to shop with my friends. She needs to pay for the petrol, which does not incur any benefit to her at all. And I am going out again on Saturday. I am so going to take a cab and pay with my own money, somehow. I can't ask for any more help from them. I have done enough.

Next, my pc just died on me. Even the stupid cheapo pc doesn't like me.

Next, I am reading chic flick again. I am reading one of those shopaholic books again. AGAIN.

Next, I am obsessed with the most adorable dress in the world, which I know can't be mine as I am so broke. PENNILESS TO BE EXACT.

I am just one idiotic useless girl who does not have any idea how to make herself useful to anyone around her.

Finally an unconditional firm offer from SOAS! YAY! :))))))

After countless emails (my emails to them) and a call, finally I got it!

Yesterday, I went for a TB (Tuberculosis) check up at Phyathai 2 Hospital. I was so impressed by the service and the efficiency that I have vowed to always go to the PRIVATE hospitals for any future medical services. Last time I visited the public hospital was last month, to Tammasart University's Hospital, and it was truly a disastor. The queue was metres long and the staff were so unfriendly. They deliberately scolded the patients in the queue and rudely told them off once they went near the counter before the opening time. Moreover, the medical record files were all so messed up that it took them more than hour to get my file. By the time I got to see the GP, it was already 11 am, 4 hours after I reached the hospital. I had my blood test ready and it still took them ages to get me into the GP room. Damn slow and stupid. Imagine if you have to do everything, meaning x-ray, blood test, urine test, and etc! I think a day would not be enough! My warning is don't ever visit a public hospital if you don't have to! It sucks big time!

Alright, let's end off with something nice. Here are photos of SOAS, my future uni, and International hall, my future hostel!

Library.

Russel Square Campus.

Many couples have broken up, all due to NS. The main reason is because the guy feels tired, tired of having too many things to attend to at once: family, NS, friends, girlfriend(s). So the thing he gives up is his girlfriend.

The other night, I asked him whether he would ever be tired of me, and he said no. He asked me to trust him and I did. But the next day he told me he was so tired, and I must understand when he couldn't attend to me. He said he has his family, and other things, even though we chatted just once a week.

I am feeling so insecure. I am afraid that day would come, the day when he no longer thinks of me, and no longer needs me in his life. Someone told me that in a long distant relationship, it is a girl who has to sacrifice more, because she can't help it but think of him always. While the guy sees her as unreal, something so far away that he can't reach, thus he does not suffer as much.

I don't know if any of these are true, but I really hope he won't get tired of me, of meeting my needs, or what he sees as my demands.

But I don't know why I see that day coming. I hope it's just me being paranoid.

I really hope it's just me.

It was really really nice, and surprising to hear from you today Bridget! hahaha! I so misss you badly! And many many thanks for your concern but I am really fine, and living a happy life! :) Don't you guys worry for me! :) Still looking forward to that virtual tea session! I will go get a webcam! If we can't do it soon, we can do it when I buy my new laptop, which will definitely come with an installed webcam! Prepare your english tea and cups!

Anyway, it's again time to get emo! haha! Your call really really reminded me of the old times we had together in school. I miss 11/06! I miss stoning during GP lessons, crapping away with Mrs. Than, and well I miss Ms. Fong so much! Thought of skyp-ing her some time but I forgot her nickname in Skype. And I have no Skype account anyway. Gotta go get one for the virtual tea session with Miss Bridget and Mr Aulia!

I really do miss Teejay a lot, so much that I can't put it into words. I look forward to my next visit to Singapore, but that could be years from now. I really don't know when I will get to see you all again, but I wanna tell you now, loud and clear:

11/06 girls.

The reason why I don't blog often enough is because there's nothing to blog about. Whenever I saw something on TV, and I thought yeah, I would blog about that, I procrastinated, and eventually I totally forgot about it. HAHA!

Lately, one of the most popular news is about the prime minister of Thailand, MR SAMARK. As if he was not a big enough problem, it is the way he talks to the press that has been claimed as disturbing. Many reporters complain the MR SAMARK speaks too loudly and too harshly, and also uses vulgarities when he answers questions and all.

So, there were many who came out and gave lots of excuses for him. Most said it is just the way he is. He has spoken that way for more than 30 years (really?) and thus, the reporters should not take anything too personal.

I find that amusing and ridiculous, especially when it came out from one of the Ministers. HELLO, HE IS A PRIME MINISTER, no longer a useless, grumpy old man he used to be. A prime minister should be someone with charisma and intelligence, at least enough intelligence to know to speak nicely to EVERYBODY, not only the press. Imagine a prime minister from Thailand scolding vulgarities in the UN summit, in front of other leaders, in front of the whole world. WHAT A SHAME! If he does not know how to speak nicely, then at least his instinct should tell him to change the way he talks. How can a person who does not know how to speak POLITELY AND INTELLIGENTLY lead a nation with 65 million people? I CAN'T IMAGINE.

It might sound too far-fetched. Just the way a man talks, what's the big deal! Courtesy is the basic thing that everyone should have, needless to say for a prime minister. If he does not start to learn, then probably WE will start to learn to make sure that next time we vote, SAMARK will not have another chance to speak to the press again. EASY enough?

Thailand is so messed up, help pls?